On Becoming the Artist and the Work of Art
Embracing the Happy Accidents of Life
A few months ago, I found myself sitting in my car in the grocery store parking lot, sobbing and thinking to myself… “What the hell am I doing with my life?”
I was trapped in an endless cycle of physical health issues, depression, and exhaustion. I found myself wide awake at 3 a.m. with anxious thoughts racing through my head. I was stuck and struggling. In June, I turned 37, and I realized that, although pretty on the outside, the picture of my life no longer expressed who I was on the inside. It all became too much to manage and maintain. That misalignment created a deep sense of guilt and despair. I felt as though I should be more grateful, that I should be happy with where I was, but the nagging feeling of “this isn’t right” kept me up at night.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on what it means to create, and to be created. I’ve never been comfortable calling myself an artist, even though I create art and work in a creative field. I never felt like I was producing enough or selling myself enough to earn that title. There are times in my life when my artistic pursuits take a backseat to the routines and responsibilities of life. But the challenges I’ve been facing the last few months (or years, really) have helped me to think of this in a different way. What if we are not only the artists of our lives but also the work of art? What if the process of becoming fully ourselves is the greatest creation we will ever make?
Looking at my life as a piece of art that I’m in the process of creating has helped me to reignite my spirit. When I set out to do a painting, I usually have an idea in mind, but the end result rarely looks how I envision it in my head. The process also never goes as planned, with lots of “happy accidents” along the way, as Bob Ross would say. The art takes on a life of its own. Sometimes I love the end result, sometimes it grows on me, and sometimes I have to start over completely.
The past three months, I’ve started over—not from scratch, but with the knowledge of what did and didn’t work up until this point.
Looking back now, I can see how rigid my thinking was. No artist sets out to create a single work of art and then stops. I can still appreciate the beauty of my past creations while working on new ones. Creating is a never-ending evolution of beginning again, of growing and expanding.
So I realized it was just time to create another piece of art. This time, I would consider all my choices to be the medium from which I would create the masterpiece of my life—and that I would be free to change it, paint over it, add to it, or start anew at any time, to explore the “happy accidents” more openly.
Everything is up for revision. I’ve been working with holistic medical professionals, taking an extended break from work, exploring different career paths and networking with like-minded people, preparing to sell my home, giving away half of my possessions, letting go of old beliefs, strengthening my relationships, and shaking up my personal routines and appearance.
I am a work in progress, but I’m excited again to create a beautiful life. So if your life feels misaligned, remember: you can start again. You can repaint. You can explore your own happy accidents. You are the artist, and you are the masterpiece.
